Thursday, May 16, 2013

Who me?

So, when I started this blog, I was hell bent on making sure that I was myself.  I didn't want to write like someone else or talk about what others were talking about (unless I wanted to).  Fake it until you get it, right (meaning confidence)? My goal was to be as shallow, emotional, intellectual, hypothetical, raw, and open as possible.

Then I started reading blogs.  And then more and more and so on and so forth.

I found some incredibly deep posts that were so inspiring! They made me want to write like that (and I'm not talking about just becoming a better writer...but changing my writing style).  I have started a handful of posts since then, and after re-reading what I had written, deleted them because they weren't as good as the one I just read.

Insecurity -1 : Linda - 0

In high school, one of my mentors knew me really well.  He would call out my insecurities and make me face them.  He knew my reactions before I reacted.  It was good and it was scary.  My biggest battle was actually telling HIM that I was facing my insecurity.

I know I mentioned in my previous post that I was like a shadow.  I don't want you to think that I'm being dramatic.  I am serious.  I was SO wrapped up in fear growing up that I literally looked at my sister for the answer to the question, "What kind of ice cream do you want?".

You would think that because I was the "older" twin (my baby sis will tell you otherwise if you ask her) that I would be the stronger personality.

Well, no.

My mom says that our personalities switched at some point growing up.  When we were really little, I was the more dominant.  In middle school/high school, it was the opposite.

I have no idea what happened.

Well anyway, in high school there was a special youth conference at my church.  It was the last night I think and they were talking about fears.  I don't remember very many specifics, but I do remember that they challenged you to identify your fear and to go tell someone that you will not allow that fear a hold on you any longer.

Immediately, I knew I needed to talk to my mentor.  Earlier that week, I remember that I had a moment where I was going to not let my fear guide my actions any more and at the first chance I got to show my change, my mentor had made a comment about my insecurity and I was right back there because I was too afraid to say "NO!".

So, after service I went over to my mentor.  I was shaking with anxiety.  My knees were knocking.  My mind was flooded with thoughts, "He is going to laugh at me", "He won't believe me", "He'll say something about my actions not backing it up", "I'm shaking, I don't even believe me".

"Can I talk to you?" I remember a lump forming in my throat.

"Umm, well, you know they were just saying that you should go tell someone that you won't let your fear have a hold anymore." (seriously, imagine the quietest voice imaginable)

He was just looking at me and waiting.

"Well, I'm not going to be afraid anymore."  Instant joy, encouragement, and strength.  Not only did my mentor encourage me and pray with me, but I faced my fear by even saying that I was going to face my fear.

Insecurity - 0 : Linda - 10

I remember that being a turning point in high school.

Sometimes, it is important to look back and see how far you've come.  Between yesterday and today, I haven't felt like I've come very far, but then I look at where God has brought me.  I remember the shy, sensitive, and internal little girl I used to be.  I still see those qualities in me.  But I see that God has used those qualities in me.  

Being a little shy allows me to be aware of the hidden perspective.  I like to think it helps me see the unseen.  I LOVE the underdog (I like to think that I have underdog qualities).  Even more than that, I like being able to appreciate the people who work behind the scenes, the little guys.

Being sensitive.  Oh goodness.  I don't think it was until college that I actually started appreciating my sensitivity.  I hated how soft I was in high school.  I felt like people trampled on me just because they knew what buttons to push.  I appreciate that side of me now.  I realize that I can relate to people.  I like that I can encourage from a place of complete realness.  There have been specifically 2 times that I remember crying with a couple of really good friends because I felt the burden on their hearts as if it was my own.  I like that.  And guess what?  It's OK to cry.  

Being internal.  This kind of touches on the other too.  I honestly feel like the things I had to learn to deal with growing up have given me a unique way of seeing the people around me. 

Utilize your perspective and appreciate who you are.  Don't try to be who you think someone needs you to be.  You just being you is what they need.  You were created on purpose.  You may not think you have the "ah-hah" thing that will blow minds for ages, but that's not what you being there is for anyway.  There are things that have happened in your life that were actually preparing your for what is to come and that help you to encourage in a way that only you can.  Embrace the heck out of that.  I cannot stress enough that there are things about you that are trademark YOU!

I am going to give you permission now to be you.  Go on.  Try it.

Be free.


No comments:

Post a Comment