Who me?

So, when I started this blog, I was hell bent on making sure that I was myself.  I didn't want to write like someone else or talk about what others were talking about (unless I wanted to).  Fake it until you get it, right (meaning confidence)? My goal was to be as shallow, emotional, intellectual, hypothetical, raw, and open as possible.

Then I started reading blogs.  And then more and more and so on and so forth.

I found some incredibly deep posts that were so inspiring! They made me want to write like that (and I'm not talking about just becoming a better writer...but changing my writing style).  I have started a handful of posts since then, and after re-reading what I had written, deleted them because they weren't as good as the one I just read.

Insecurity -1 : Linda - 0

In high school, one of my mentors knew me really well.  He would call out my insecurities and make me face them.  He knew my reactions before I reacted.  It was good and it was scary.  My biggest battle was actually telling HIM that I was facing my insecurity.

I know I mentioned in my previous post that I was like a shadow.  I don't want you to think that I'm being dramatic.  I am serious.  I was SO wrapped up in fear growing up that I literally looked at my sister for the answer to the question, "What kind of ice cream do you want?".

You would think that because I was the "older" twin (my baby sis will tell you otherwise if you ask her) that I would be the stronger personality.

Well, no.

My mom says that our personalities switched at some point growing up.  When we were really little, I was the more dominant.  In middle school/high school, it was the opposite.

I have no idea what happened.

Well anyway, in high school there was a special youth conference at my church.  It was the last night I think and they were talking about fears.  I don't remember very many specifics, but I do remember that they challenged you to identify your fear and to go tell someone that you will not allow that fear a hold on you any longer.

Immediately, I knew I needed to talk to my mentor.  Earlier that week, I remember that I had a moment where I was going to not let my fear guide my actions any more and at the first chance I got to show my change, my mentor had made a comment about my insecurity and I was right back there because I was too afraid to say "NO!".

So, after service I went over to my mentor.  I was shaking with anxiety.  My knees were knocking.  My mind was flooded with thoughts, "He is going to laugh at me", "He won't believe me", "He'll say something about my actions not backing it up", "I'm shaking, I don't even believe me".

"Can I talk to you?" I remember a lump forming in my throat.

"Umm, well, you know they were just saying that you should go tell someone that you won't let your fear have a hold anymore." (seriously, imagine the quietest voice imaginable)

He was just looking at me and waiting.

"Well, I'm not going to be afraid anymore."  Instant joy, encouragement, and strength.  Not only did my mentor encourage me and pray with me, but I faced my fear by even saying that I was going to face my fear.

Insecurity - 0 : Linda - 10

I remember that being a turning point in high school.

Sometimes, it is important to look back and see how far you've come.  Between yesterday and today, I haven't felt like I've come very far, but then I look at where God has brought me.  I remember the shy, sensitive, and internal little girl I used to be.  I still see those qualities in me.  But I see that God has used those qualities in me.  

Being a little shy allows me to be aware of the hidden perspective.  I like to think it helps me see the unseen.  I LOVE the underdog (I like to think that I have underdog qualities).  Even more than that, I like being able to appreciate the people who work behind the scenes, the little guys.

Being sensitive.  Oh goodness.  I don't think it was until college that I actually started appreciating my sensitivity.  I hated how soft I was in high school.  I felt like people trampled on me just because they knew what buttons to push.  I appreciate that side of me now.  I realize that I can relate to people.  I like that I can encourage from a place of complete realness.  There have been specifically 2 times that I remember crying with a couple of really good friends because I felt the burden on their hearts as if it was my own.  I like that.  And guess what?  It's OK to cry.  

Being internal.  This kind of touches on the other too.  I honestly feel like the things I had to learn to deal with growing up have given me a unique way of seeing the people around me. 

Utilize your perspective and appreciate who you are.  Don't try to be who you think someone needs you to be.  You just being you is what they need.  You were created on purpose.  You may not think you have the "ah-hah" thing that will blow minds for ages, but that's not what you being there is for anyway.  There are things that have happened in your life that were actually preparing your for what is to come and that help you to encourage in a way that only you can.  Embrace the heck out of that.  I cannot stress enough that there are things about you that are trademark YOU!

I am going to give you permission now to be you.  Go on.  Try it.

Be free.

xoxo,
Linda   

Mile Marker 17: Housework

Here's the deal, ya'll:

I'm a horrible housewife, and that's all there is to it.

I've read all these blogs that say housework is as easy as picking up for 10 minutes a day and then it never gets bad...  Well, here is what I think of that:

BLECK!

I'm an all or nothin' gal...so that pretty much ends up being nothin' and then my house is a cluttered, dusty, and a clothes everywhere kind of place (and I don't even have kids yet).

I like to think that my husband and I have a nice little routine: he does the dishes while I fix dinner.  I'm sure he'd like it if we switched that up once in a while, but I would rather make the mess than clean it up.  :) 

Kody always tells me that I had him tricked because when we were dating I LOVED doing dishes.  I did them at his parents (brownie points anyone?), I did them at our friends houses, I LOVED doing dishes...and then I got a place of my own and the thrill was kiiiind of gone.  And I legitimately like doing dishes, but it's only when I don't have to do them.

Then there's the laundry!

There are only 2 of us, and it STILL never stops!  After it piles up for so long, Kody will spend a weekend catching up on it.  There are just too many other things I have to do or would rather be doing.  Again, I LOVE folding laundry, but only when I don't have to. (I feel the need to clarify that I do contribute to our marriage, but I'm a planner! Who needs the day to day stuff when you have a future to look at?!)

Unfortunately, admitting you have a problem doesn't magically solve the problem. (Why can't it be that easy?!)

After planning a weekly Skype session with my sister to discuss our future business plans and projects, I realized something!  I need to do that for housework too!

See, I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  If I'm going to do something, why can't we just knock it out right then? (I have little to no impulse control) I don't have the patience for this whole "10 minutes a day" garbage.  Let's just get it done!

So, my solution?  One night a week will be devoted to the cleaning and organizing of the house.  If one week the house is already clean, then the deeper cleaning projects can commence!

When I was growing up, I seem to remember a Saturday morning family cleans the house event or something...  Wow. My mom was/is smart. :)  

The thing is... Who wants to ruin a perfectly good Saturday by doing chores? Bleck! (insert sour face here) Not me! 

So, week night it is.

I feel good.  I accomplished some brain organization today.

This weekend, Kody and I will be heading up north to visit the fam!  This will be our first road trip in our new SUV! :)  It's pretty much the best thing ever... I have a few photo sessions planned, so that will be fun.  Oh and let's not forget that I FINALLY get to meet my new niece!   
 
Have a wonderful week!

xoxo,
Linda

Mile Marker 15: Truth and Love and Legacy

Wow.  I logged in to my Bloglovin' (maybe you should go on over and follow my blog) account to catch up on today's new posts, and I am just amazed at what I've read.  I believe that God purposefully orchestrates things to encourage when you need it the most.  And that's exactly what happened this morning.

For some reason, I have a really hard time believing people when they compliment or encourage me.  I chalk it up to them just "being nice".

Needless to say, this drives my husband completely nutso.  He is seriously the most loving, patient, and encouraging man that I have ever met.  He is all the good things that I am not...and somehow (thank you, Jesus) he fell in love with and married me.

Because I mentioned my husband, I know you wanted to see a wedding picture... :)

Just last night we were talking about truth.  I stared so hard into Kody's eyes just searching for that magical flashing neon light that says "believe it". (because we all know that neon lights exist behind eye balls)


I was reading a blog today that was talking about overcoming lies.  She asks the question, "if you don't know what the Truth is, how can you believe it?".  I know that self-esteem, confidence, passion, joy, all of these things stem from a daily relationship with Christ.  I, as awful as it sounds, lose sight of that from time to time, beat myself up about it, and sink lower and lower thinking that I am unworthy to believe the truth.

See, I forget that my identity is found in Christ.  I search so hard for it in my husband, in my friends, in my family when I really need to be searching Christ.

Isaiah 43:1

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.

I also struggle with why Christ would want me, this over-analytical, impatient, forgetful, cray cray girl by his side.  Then I remember...

God is love.

I Corinthians 13:4-7

 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

God loves me at my worst.  All those things that in my head would distance me from him, are the things that draw me to him, remind me of his greatness, and reiterate what a loving God I have.

Psalm 103:15-17 

As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more. But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children.

It's that love that makes me want to be more like him.  He is solid and never changing.

In high school, my anthem was love.  The songs I picked for worship had to do with God's love.  I'd do anything for anybody to show them I loved them, even if I felt like I was being taken advantage of.  If I were to only meet a person one time, what I would hope that they would remember would be that I loved them.

I feel like I started to lose that part way through college.  Leaving for college was a major turning point in my life, and I started having to deal with some things (relationships, fears, wounds).  I got bitter about them, and while I worked through a lot, there are still areas where I let my bitterness speak instead of my love.

It's been for too long.  It's time reset.  I want to serve in love.  I want love to me my life's message.  I want to leave a legacy of love.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

  
Well, thanks for taking a few moments out to listen to what is on my heart today.  There is nothing as refreshing to my spirit as scripture.  I hope you find these passages encouraging today.  For me, I need to start planting these words in my heart, so that they bear fruit in my actions.

Have a wonderful Thursday!

xoxo,
Linda  

Mile Marker 12: Selfies

Heres the thing...I have NO problem with "selfies".  I think that people feel drop dead, smokin' hot, fabulously gorgeous in all those selfies that they post...aaaaaand I post them myself.

Today, I was supposed to have 2 photo shoots, but one of them had something come up and they had to reschedule.  :)  ...at least they rescheduled, right?

I'm fairly new to the whole "running a photography business" thing, so I'm pretty flexible.  I've been doing freelance work for about a year and a half now.  I absolutely love it!

This afternoon, because my second shoot canceled, I had some extra time to kill.  (my next statement is going to make your jaw drop) Until two days ago, I didn't own a tripod.  I had a monopod, but no tripod.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, I recently purchased a light kit.  Since then, I have wanted to take some nice personal photos.  Strangely enough, my husband makes me super nervous behind the camera.  He makes faces, no direction, and I get uncomfortable.  Needless to say, the pictures turn out disgusting. (I'm not very photogenic.)

Since I had some time and now a tripod, I went to taking some personal photos.  Here are my favorites!

I can't usually rock the serious face...but I don't think I completely butchered it here.

I don't have the biggest studio space.  Right now I just use an extra bedroom upstairs hence the majority of close ups.

Thanks for stopping by!

xoxo,

Linda

Mile Marker 10: Holding Off

I've wanted to post a blog on my desires for motherhood for a long time, but I just keep thinking that I shouldn't.  Whether its because I'm still very young, newly married, I have my whole life ahead of me, thinking that you don't blog about this kind of thing, thinking that this decision should be a secret, other people have a legitimate struggle, other people have been struggling longer, or a myriad of other thoughts rolling around in my head.

A lady at work told me recently that I'm not ready to have kids yet (I believe there are other issues there, but mostly I think she said it because of my age).


I've heard other married couples with kids say to wait because of the stress that is added after having kids.

I just know that my husband and I have had a solid relationship.  We were both raised in similar family situations.  We communicate with each other. We're getting our finances in order.  I know we're not perfect, but who is?

We've talked about kids for forever. We may or may not have names picked out already (I told you I'm a planner). We know how many we want (I'd probably still take more, but we'll see when we get there).  The thing is, I was only on the pill for 5 months, and I've been off the pill for 7 months now.  I just don't understand why I'm not pregnant yet.

I've done SO much reading online about pregnancy, the pill, how the pill effects getting pregnant, etc. Honestly, I never really wanted to take the pill, but I did thinking that we were going to wait a year or two before even talking about kids.  Then we got married.  A month later, I accidentally missed my birth control for a couple days.  We started talking about it.  Two months later I stopped taking the pill. Now, I just think I should be pregnant already.(The impatient bone bones in my body are going cray cray over here.)

I suppose (read as "I know") I just need to trust God that the timing will be His timing.

Why is waiting so hard?  Is there anything else that I could be doing, or should I just trust the bigger (and unknown to me) plan?

I don't really have any other choice but to wait right now.  

Maybe that's a good thing. 

Maybe I should learn something.

xoxo,
Linda  

Notice:  What made me decide to write this post was simply the fact that I like reading blogs that are open and honest about real things because I find that I relate to those people.  I am hoping to be the same in my blog.  Also, I don't want this post to seem depressing because I am really happy with my life and I feel incredibly blessed to be in this season of life!  I just want to share the thoughts that I have in the hopes of sharing with a community of friends with similar thoughts or ideas or absolutely opposite ones! :) Capeesh? 

Mile Marker 1: A Little About Me

Well, Hello!  Welcome to my life as depicted by this blog.

I think that an excellent starting point for this blog would be to give you an idea of who I am.

I am a 23 year old wife to the most patient and handsome man.  He is everything I am not.  I want need to learn how to love him to the fullest.  I’m sure I’ll be discussing my marriage and the things I learn at some point.

We are currently living in a cute little house in Springfield, Missouri.  I definitely don’t see us staying here forever, but we are here for the next five years.  After that, the possibilities are endless.

I would love more than anything to be a mom.  More to come on that.

I have a freelance photography and design business called Hot Philosophy (check it out and book).  Growing Hot Philosophy is a major life goal of mine.  You’ll see posts about the new equipment I have coming very soon!

I love DIY projects which you will see in my future blog posts.

I am trying to lose weight.  My total goal is to lose about 90lbs.  I started a 20lb challenge last week and have lost 2.6lbs so far.  I know.  I have a long way to go.  Stay tuned for that journey.

In conclusion, here is to living, goals, and achieving both!

xoxo,
Linda

Posted: 1/26/13