Lack of confidence. Fear of people.
Pretty much all my insecurities are rooted in these two things.
I hate this. I hate that I feel like I'm still 15, braces laden, and following my sister around like a shadow that nearly dies when looked at (imagine one of those people allergic to the sun but in a more dramatic cinematic way...ok, just imagine Gollum shrinking and flinching and trying to get away from Sam).
I still compare every little detail of my life to everything around me. What I want to know is, "How am I still here?"
I have struggled my entire life with not thinking that I am good enough, being afraid of being who I really am, and wishing I was my sister. She lives a million miles away, and she is still the measuring stick of my life (not by her doing but by mine).
There are days when I just go for it! I fake the confidence that I've always been jealous of, and I love it! I even start to believe that it's really mine! And then, in the blink of an eye, something happens, my delicate crystal shell splinters, and I vomit my fears all over the nearest available set of ears.
How do you overcome insecurity? I wish there was a straight answer. I'm good with plans. Give me the line up. How do I get from point A to point B? Can I type "insecurity free" into my GPS? 20 minute drive? I can handle that.
If only it were that simple.
Today I had an interview. I prepared my butt off for that thing! It went well, as far as I can tell. I supposed we just have to wait for the phone call to see how it really went. I was confident. I was anxious. I pulled it together.
Now I'm a mess. My brain won't let me stop thinking about it. I'm splintering!
I like to think that acknowleging where you are at is the first step in moving forward. Now that I have done that, I am going to focus on some positives from today's events.
1. The interviewer said that I presented myself well.
Let me give a little back story on this. In college, one of our senior class assignments was to set up a mock-interview with a company that you'd potentially like to work for and present your resume and portfolio. Afterwards, the interviewer was to give a review about how you did. I was totally excited! I e-mailed an alum from my school that actually owned a design agency here in town and set up the whole ordeal. I went in, portfolio in hand, and rainbows in my eyes.
He destroyed me. I'm talking blood and guts on the floor, bawled my whole way home, skipped my next class, hyperventilating....destroyed. He took very personal cuts that didn't have to do with my professional work, but with my weight and looks. Now, I can see those critiques if I had shown up in jeans, my hair flopped up, and so on. But I wore slacks, a nice blouse, curled my hair...I acted like this was an actual interview. It was rough.
Needless to say, that didn't lead to a job...or help me with my portfolio at all.
Today, I presented myself well. I prepared for this interview. I practiced potential questions, I planned my outfit, I researched the position. That meant a lot to me personally and made me feel great that my preparedness had paid off (well, I guess we'll see if it paid off next week).
2. The interview lasted an hour.
That's good, right? I think so. It was so conversational and laid back. I enjoyed it.
3. It made me WANT THIS JOB!
The position is for an executive administrative assistant at a church. The man that I would be working for started sharing his goals as a leader and what he wants for his team. He is a 100% genuine person. He truly cares for people and wants to see his team be successful and happy. He shared that in some churches the staff's hearts aren't as cared for as they should, and that he wants to make sure his team is healthy. He said he is a pastor first and a boss second (love that).
My mom was an executive assistant at a church for a long time, and lets just say that staff health wasn't a top priority. This struck a huge chord in me. It was something that I hadn't thought of before, but an environment that I would be grateful to get to work in.
I just plain want to work for this guy...
So. That is all I will say today.
These are my wins for today. This is where I will focus.
I am moving forward. I am letting go of today's analytics.
Thank you for listening, world. Thank you for being my blog therapy.
I will keep you posted on the job.